Eat it or Wear it- a personal vent...

Man, sometimes it just seems like the rug is getting pulled out from under me. This is a big time in my life, I just got married, I have a kid on the way- and everything feels like it is ready to fall apart at a moments notice.
After working so hard through my late twenties to minimize my debt structure in an effort to facilitate being a "grown up" I have found myself awash in the fear and uncertainty I swore to myself I would never experience again.
I own my car
I have minimal unsecured personal debt
I have a good job

I am making more money than ever before in my life, but it just isn't enough.
It isn't enough to overcome my wifes debts now that she is earning a 3rd of what she used to.
It isn't enough to cover the move into a larger apartment
It isn't enough to cover the rent on a bigger apartment- an amount which could have paid the mortgage on a 3 bedroom home in Texas. Now I just need a second bedroom, and I am coming up short.

I am exasperated

Add to that- my company is in a state of flux. The CEO was just forced to step down, and trading of our stock is suspended pending confirmation of last years revenues- Translation: The banks are pissed because they think our management cooked the books, and now they asked the majority shareholder to step down from his management position while they figure out if we are solvent or not. None of this is particularly reassuring given that my wife and I are expecting, and she is dependant on my health insurance for both the pregnancy, and an issue with "nodules" on her thyroid. If I lose my job, we are going to have to commit to a COBRA, the cost of which will consume my unemployment allowance...

But wait- there is more!

My wife has a 72 month loan on a car that is out of warranty and worth a 3rd of the loan value. We don't need two cars, and cutting one loose would cut our monthly liabilities but trading in my paid for and reliable vehicle in conjunction with hers would still leave us 3 grand upside down going into a newer vehicle. That equates to a larger payment than the one we are currently shouldering for the Dodge + my $100 per month garage payment + the additional insurance I pay for the second vehicle. We wouldn't save, so it isn't worth it.

I would sell my car outright and just put the cash on ice, but my 99 Accord is the better of the two vehicles. Imagine that. A 1999 Honda with 108k on the clock is actually more reliable, and worth more on trade-in than a 2006 Dodge. Unfortunately that doesn't equate to being enough to overcome the staggering depreciation of said Dodge. Eat it, or wear it.

For the first time since I was 21 I have to seriously consider asking my folks for help, and I am ashamed that my decisions have brought me to this.

Sentient Beings

Just watch.



Still think hunting for sport is cool?

Me neither.

Automaton

An automaton (plural: automata or automatons) is a self-operating machine. The word is sometimes used to describe a robot, more specifically an autonomous robot. Used colloquially, it refers to a mindless follower.

I remember the first time I heard the word "automaton"- it was a line of dialogue in the movie "Clerks". The dialogue was meant as an impetuous snear toward the great faceless masses. the nameless corporate "them" that were subject of disdain. I remember thinking how I identified with that.

Last night I had a revelation that caused me to think about that word again. I was passing through the revolving door to the train station and I noticed a man of about my age, and build who was dressed very similar to me. It struck me odd, and shook me out of my post work walking coma for long enough that I began observing the people around me. Between that revolving door, and my train ride home I spotted 9 other people wearing Khakis, and a Black NorthFace jacket. If I opened up the sampling to just include the same color combination of Tan Pants, Black Jacket, then I saw 28 others dressed just like me. I started to think about that.

Sure, it is true that Black, and Tan are popular colors in the world of business casual dress, but beyond that- I started to believe that I had become "one of the crowd". I never viewed myself that way before. I always thought that in some way I was outstanding, or dare I say- "better" when compared to the others around me.

As I looked around I couldn't help but wonder what the lives of these similarly dressed people were like. Did the guy standing in line in front of me have a family at home waiting for him? did he have a new baby on the way like I do? What will he do when he gets home? Where is he coming from? Is there anyone else standing in this line at this moment thinking about these things?

The end result was that I found myself looking at peoples faces. Thankfully I was doing this from behind the darkened lenses of my sunglasses- nobody like to think someone is watching them. As I sat on the train I looked at all the people who were sitting on the opposite side of the train.

I took inventory of each of them. Were they reading? What were they reading? What were they listening to on those earphones? I recognized the subtle differences in each person. Suddenly I realized that I wasn't part of the crowd anymore.

The truth be told- there was no crowd. There was a mass of individuals, each with their own purpose for being, their own individual tastes, likes, and dislikes.

Counting backwards from nine

Ok, so maybe you picked up on my new theme- and just in case you are dim- 9 months equals the gestation period for a human child. That is right. I am going to be a Father. A Dad. A Poppa. A "Proud Parent" if you will. I think the time is right.

I remember when I was in my twenties, and I got married the first time. My wife and I came up with all sorts of reasons not to have a child. "We want to travel" was one of them, and the rest were basically variations on that theme. It was all about what we would be giving up, and what we would be missing if we settled down. We both agreed that if it happened then we would consider it a good thing and move forward, but I must admit I was still living in a degree of fear. Birth control was in full effect, and in the back of my mind I knew I just didn’t want it to happen. Good thing too, because 3 years later I got divorced. Strangely enough I think I was the person most surprised by that event. If you ask my closest friends you might gather the impression that there was a pool going regarding the eventuality of fate for my first marriage. Nobody really liked Diane for me. We just weren’t a good fit I suppose.

Fortunately the only custody to consider in the split was that of our little dog Romeo- I do miss the little guy, but he was a gift I gave to her and a fight seemed moodt. The day we signed the papers was the last time I laid eyes on Diane. that chapter closed, and the next 5 years adventure began.

As a suitor I have always been a bit quirky. I have had a handful of relationships that panned out poorly, and some that probably could have gone better if not for my own hang-ups. All along I was careful to avoid making promises that went beyond the end of a year.

Then I met Nanigans- and all of that changed pretty immediatly. I loved living alone, but she would stay. As overnights turned into over weeks the progression felt natural, and comfortable. She went from my date to my companion, and co-conspirator. Weeks turned into months, and now a year. We have our struggles, but if I have learned anything from experience it is that everyone struggles. It is how you feel about the person as a whole that really counts. She matches me in passion, wit, and enthusiasm. She has a great heart, and she loves my people. This is important: She readily embraces my friends, and family- and if you know me at all then you know that they are as much a part of my being as my own personality. We fight very little, and we love very much.

I love her.

And now the news- We are going to be 3. Within the next year I will have another person to whom I will owe every responsibility. It isn’t about me anymore, it will be about "us"- and more specifically "them".

There are some who have shunned this reality as yet another of my folly’s. I disagree. Some say that I am not ready- I disagree.

I know this is the right thing because the first thought that entered my mind when the maternity tests came back positive was- "Wow" and the feeling that came with it was pure joy. A smile has come to my consciousness that I can’t really describe. It lives in my mind, and everytime it shows itself you best believe I am thinking about the future, and the potential for great things. It is a revolution of mindset. A baby is no longer something that would hold me back- it is something that will move me forward. It isn’t about what we can’t do- it is about what we will do, and the promise is intoxicating.

I am far from perfect. I realize that there are those of you who probably read my post about my family reunion in San Antonio and wonder how a guy who blacked out and locked himself out of a hotel room after a major drinking binge can be ready for the massive responsibility of parenthood. Well folks- you ought to hear my Dad’s story about the bottle of Mezcal, and how he accidentally shaved off half his mustache. That was just an episode in lifes adventure. Many of you know of my episodes- some of them are legendary. I am still pleased to have played my part, for better or for worse. I am likely to continue to folly as I grow as a person, but that isn’t the complete reflection of my paternal abilities.

Fortunately I know that being a parent doesn’t require perfection- what it requires of a father is desire, intent, and dedication. I have those qualities. I am so enthusiastic I can hardly contain myself as the next chapter is beginning.

Let the countdown commence...

Got into a fight this morning...

I bumped into a guy while I was getting off the train. I had been listening to my iPod, and reading a headline on my newspaper and just wasn't watching where I was going.

So I am walking along, and I bump into this guy and knock him down. Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF! and you know how you sometimes just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

He gets up and brushes himself off, looks up at me with anger in his eys and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and simply say, "Well, which one are you then?"

... and that's how the fight started.

Ghost Ridin the Delorean...

Doc Brown gets 1.22 Jigga what?!?!'s



I saw this and orange juice came out of my nose- swear to God,

P

DUI and the Public drunk

Sometimes it is easy to go out, knock back a couple in a responsible manner and then lay off for a while so you can feel ok about driving home.

It is the same basic plan a lot of my peers used to go by when I lived in TX. Cabs, and public transportation weren't all that readily available in Plano. If you have ever been there you will understand- it is a huge suburb, but taxi services are Dallas based, and they aren't readily available. We would usually have a few beers, tempered with some food (usually pizza, nachos, or wings) then head out of the bar for the short drive home.

Until the night my roomate and I got busted.

We had stopped off to grab a quick bite and a few games of Golden Tee, over a few after work beers on a Thursday night. We split a decent sized pizza while we played, and then headed out to the jeep for the short trip home. I have been drunk on numerous occasions, and I am comfortable saying, this wasn't one of them. I can say the same of my roomate whom I have known, and drank with for over 13yrs since we were fraternity brothers in college.

We drove on a main route, no weaving, no speeding. Police followed us onto our street and we got pulled over 5 houses down from our own- on suspicion of "drag racing" (we were in a 4 cylinder Jeep Wrangler, and there weren't any other cars around us)

the officers first question was if we had anything to drink that evening- after that it was pretty mechanical- My buddy refused the breathalizer (based on some bad advice he was given by a street lawyer years before), he was arrested and placed in the patrol car before I could even blink. I was then asked to step out of the vehicle. The officers asked if I had anything to drink- I thought they were going to ask me to drive the jeep home, so I said "yes, I had a few drinks, but will not be driving" I was then zip tied, and placed in a second patrol car so they could charge me with public drunkeness. I was not offered a sobriety test, or a breathalizer. In TX and officer makes the determination of your degree of "drunkeness" no tests required. 1 month until my 30th birthday I was being detained for the first time in my life, and it wasn't even for one of the times I had been boldly shit-faced...

I was upset.

We ended up staying overnight in borrowed orange pajamas from the Hotel Plano- I was released the following morning with a summary offense charge, and a court date. I appeared in court 3 months later to challenge, but the officers recording of me saying (in perfect intonation: no slurring) that "I had a few drinks" was enough to uphold my citation- I was fined $200 some odd dollars + fees.

My Roomate got shipped to the county jail the following morning. I bonded him out as soon as possible, but it took several hours for them to "process" him in, and then back out of their system. He then became entangled in the arduous, and expensive legal process required to avoid a jail sentence.

Plano TX hates DUI offenders- here is the dance

step 1- hire a lawyer- pay out $$$
step 2- go to court- attorney will engage in the legal wrangling to try and get a "deal"
step 3- "the deal" in this case = Probation, loss of license 1yr- (do NOT refuse breathalizer), DWI "education" courses, victim impact sessions, fines, community service hours, and then continuing "surcharge" payments to the state of roughly $100 per month for 3 years after reinstatement. After all is said and done, a couple of beers and a pizza cost my friend nearly 10k.

In the months after the incident I spoke to a waitress from the bar we had been in. She told me that the officer who arrested us made a habit of hanging out in the area, and that our story was very similar to others she had heard. We had been "trapped".

There are those who would say "good- you got what you deserved", but for those people I have some perspective- Most restaurants that serve alcohol have a parking lot. If you go out to dinner and have a drink or two with dinner then drive home you are every bit as guilty as we were. Think about that next time you order a nice red wine to compliment your steak.

It has been a few years now, and I have reflected on what happened- here is what I got out of it.

We broke the law. There isn't any way around it. There can't be a varience for the degree to which we broke the law. In my years as a bar tender I had seen people pound beers all night yet never appear "impaired", I have also seen grown men get absolutly wasted after a few glasses of wine on an empty stomach. The fact is you just can't drink and drive without a degree of risk. The best solution to that risk is to not take it. Can I be pissed at the officer for "stalking" the parking lot? sure, but in reality wasn't he just doing his job? If you are looking for criminals, is it not a good idea to look where crimes are being commited?

Lesson learned: It isn't worth it.

I still like to go out for drinks, but I live in Chicago now- we have public transport readily available, and that is all I use. If I lived somewhere like Plano again- I would need to plan accordingly. No excuses.

I was still pissed about my "not really drunk in public" fine, even though it seemed like a small penance compared to what my roomate went through.

I got a tip from the bail bondsman when I went to pick up the bond to get my friend out: If a police officer asks if you have had anything to drink- be polite, follow any instructions you are given, but keep your mouth shut. Don't nod, don't shake your head- don't speak.
You might still get arrested, but it is hard to charge you without evidence.